So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
