You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
