you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
