sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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