just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
