I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.