Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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