i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
