sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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