im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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