Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
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