Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
