Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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