He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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