Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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