Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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