oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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