when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
