I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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