someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
