there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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