Just fell off a train. Bad.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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