I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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