I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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