I want to walk on stilts...naked
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
