She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
