Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.