I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion