remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
