Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
