Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
