forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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