I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
