I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
