Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
