I feel like abortions should bother me more
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
