My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
