two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
