The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize