i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
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