so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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