When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
