those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
