I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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