i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
