census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
