thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
