Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
