what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
