If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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