At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
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I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We have started to decorate penises.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
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I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.