I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
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I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
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He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?