the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
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My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
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High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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