This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
