having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
