there's paper in my vomit.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
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She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
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It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize