So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
